All satanists want to have fancy hipster names (we get it, you need validation)

What are you, a fucking Lord of the Ring’s character? Are you going to start calling yourself Sauron the Black? Are you going to wear a floor-length cloak full time and sport a Lucius Malfoy coif and a shiny snake cane?

I’m not sure exactly how the trend originated, but honestly, I blame neckbeard virgins that listen to too much metal and shit at their computers while playing WOW like in that episode of South Park.

It might be related to dick size, but i’ll have to conduct a study.

Whatever the reasoning, Jesus fuck Christ. And don’t get me started on the titles. Magus? Priestess? What are you conducting, a fucking hippie convention? I thought this was a goddamned black mass, not a self-important jerk-off party.

If you’re embarrassed of your normal name, then I can only imagine what else causes those pristine cheeks to flush. If you’re going to christen yourself anew, at least pick something that people can pronounce.

I’m not going to remember you because you were intelligent and interesting, I’m going to remember you because you sound like you did one of those Star Wars name games where you fill in the blanks with a heap of random shit then use the resulting letter-vomit name to write self-inserted fanfiction on the internet.

You don’t get laid, we get it. But hookers and pornstars do.

That’s right, girls who bleach their buttholes for public consumption…

They have classier names than you do.